-Is he going to sleep over? If he does, am I okay with that? Either way I should ask my friend to stop by to rescue me if necessary and make sure that I’m not getting murdered in cold blood.
-Do I wear real clothes or just house clothes or like, comfy cute clothes that I could go somewhere in just in case we decide to go somewhere? Or should I wear what I wore earlier today? Does that outfit smell weird now? What am I going to wear?
-Do I need to shave? I should shave, just in case.
-I’m going to brush my teeth, too.
-Should I cook or get takeout? Or get takeout that looks like something I could cook?
-Does it even matter if I can cook?
-Ok, he’s here. I hope my stupid neighbor doesn’t say anything to him as he’s coming in.
-This shouldn’t count as a date. I wouldn’t even count breakfast as a date really.
-Is giving a tour the polite/appropriate thing to do? I don’t want him getting the wrong idea. Unless I want him getting the wrong idea 😉
-Is he looking at everything under a microscope? He’s been in the bathroom too long. Is he stinking it up in there? Should I pretend to be busy when he gets out of the bathroom so it doesn’t seem like I’ve been wondering what the heck he’s doing in there?
-I should look through his phone while he’s in there. Wait…did he take it with him? Now I know he’s up to something in there.
-What are we going to watch? Or should we just talk? Do we even have enough to talk about? If we can’t talk then why are we even seeing each other? Wait–he said something and I missed it. Sh*t.
-We’re eating and I am definitely chewing too loud. Now I will never know if I have something in my teeth without awkwardly excusing myself to do a post-meal brush&wash.
-No don’t kiss me, I haven’t gargled or flossed or anything yet!
-Dangit, now he thinks I don’t want to kiss him.
-Oh no, he’s nuzzling me. This could go one of two ways–and the most likely way is that I’ll accidentally knee him in the balls for tickling me with his wannabe sexy two day old stubble.
-I hope he isn’t trying to take things to the bedroom. Toooooo fast. Way too fast, buddy.
-If I suggest dessert to stall does that make me look like a fatty?
-But I’m still starving from all that delicate eating I did earlier where I pretended to be so full so I wouldn’t be bloated and gassy.
-He says I am dessert. Wow I set myself up for that one. What a tool.
-Why didn’t I suggest going over to his place? That way when I was ready to skedaddle I could just leave. Now I have to find a way to awkwardly tell him to kick rocks.
-This went better than expected. I still like him enough to let him take me out, but not really enough to let him stay the night. I guess that makes the night a success.
-If I tell him I have my period and he wants to leave I’ll know he only came over for sex, but maybe I’m not ready to know that so I’ll just tell him I have an early appointment with my trainer. Buh-bye now!
-Ha, what trainer?!
-Phew! Now I can finally fart and watch The Bachelorette in peace.
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