Hi. All of us know what its like to be single. Sometimes its a celebration, other times its a little bit like walking around with poop in your pants. So I thought to myself, “What can be done to stop this icky feeling?” Like any good science experiment I formulated my hypothesis around this question, tested the variables and here are my results.
Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop the I’ve-just-been-dumped-and-it-made-me-realize-how-much-my-life-kinda-sucks feeling. However, a remedy was found in the stars!
First, you will need a full twenty four hours or this cure is not going to work; you can’t halfass your emotions. Yes, emotions will be involved! Basically you will need to stock up on your favorite comfort foods (ice cream, macaroni and cheese, krispy kreme donuts, etc.,) and all the bad relationship movies you think apply. Don’t forget to have toilet paper and facial tissue because nothing is worse than a red chapped nose on your first day post breakup cure; it basically blows your cover.
Step 1: Get Naked
The first thing I always do when I return home after a breakup is take off all my clothes and look at myself in the mirror. I just stand there, at least forty seconds, and appreciate my body, my flaws and the presence of myself. You are allowed to eat ice cream while you do this, but don’t binge yet. Resist.
I also recommend playing “Hello,” by Lionel Richie in the background.
Step 2: Charge Your Phone
If this breakup is news you would like to share, make sure to have your various forms of communication charged and ready to go. You will need to call your best friend, your ex, your ex’s best friend, maybe his mother/sister/dentist and the pizza guy most likely, so be prepared.
Conversely, if you know it would be damaging to contact your ex or associates then please refrain from engaging in calls, texts or social media!!! Tweets and texts Never. Die.
Step 3: Pamper Yourself
A big pill like this is always easier to swallow when you’re softened up so have a good time. Put on those ridiculously expensive Louboutin’s that are collecting dust in the closet that you can barely walk in anyway and the most flattering LBD you own (or your favorite sexy outfit whatever it is) and prance around taking selfies!
Yessss, selfies. Make sure hair and makeup is beat, girl. Paint your nails, pluck your toe hair, whatever you’ve got to do. Once you have taken at least two dozen photos where probably only three or four have resulted in success, you can move on to step four.
Step 4: The Comedown
This is where it gets tough. That ice cream is kicking in because you’re exhausted physically but your mind gets going. Instead of over-thinking every single detail of your past relationship the healthy thing to do is distract yourself. Movie time! Some of my favorites to watch for PB (post-breakup) are:
The Time Traveler’s Wife (or any movie with Rachel McAdams because honestly you can’t go wrong, even The Notebook since you know how that ends; but in case you don’t know how it ends, don’t watch it)
Low Down Dirty Shame
Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius
The Break Up (obvi)
Enough (or any other movie where the guy gets his ass handed to him)
You want to make sure to choose all movies where they do not end up together at the end. That would be detrimental to the healing process. If you are not that into movies I propose watching videos of people falling down really embarrassingly on YouTube or trash television shows like:
The Bachelorette (most of it has got to be fake, even if they end up together, right?)
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (Guy Fieri is so incredibly obnoxious that you won’t have time to hate your ex while watching his show)
Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta. Honestly, can we just obsess over Joseline aka The Puerto Rican Princess and how she says “booty holes and cootie cats?”
Botched. Its mildly graphic in a Hoarders/600lb life sort of way but cray enough to love it.
Craig & Sanjay. I suggest the episode where Sanjay’s neighbor gets butt implants. Its a treat.
As is natural you will find that you may compare yourself or your recent relationship to these scenarios. What we will do now is pretend you are whatever person is “in the right” or faultless in the breakup. Go with that. Convince yourself of that. Deeply.
It wasn’t you, it was him. You were the smarter/more successful/hotter half of the relationship. He was a fool not to want you! And in approximately six months you will run into him, you in much better shape than he and laugh your head off and skip off into the sunset with Ryan Gosling/ Denzel Washington/ Leo DiCaprio/ Will Smith/ Anderson Cooper/ Drake/ William Levy/ Chris Brown (if you’re into that sort of thing).
On the off chance that you know you are in the wrong and have accepted that, instead imagine how it was a blessing in disguise. Yes, you cheated on him because the two of you, to quote Charlene from The 2013 Bachelor, only had a very “cerebral connection” which was bound to fizzle out. And yes, maybe you are high maintenance because you appreciate good quality and your status is contingent upon your happiness. Or perhaps you laid a really stinky fart on him once and some guys just can’t get over it.
Step 5: Rivers Run, Hair Floats
Tears will begin to come. Even if you were the more fabulous half of the relationship, and that’s okay. At this point your makeup should still be done, because when you do the ugly cry its easier to face your reflection if you’ve made yourself even uglier by crying and ruining your makeup, instead of just ruining your face.
You will want to cry because rejection hurts no matter what. It hurts to think that no matter what you do or how much you love yourself that there is someone out there that said, “You know what? You aren’t good enough for me. You are not worth my time. You cannot make me happy.” And it hurts to know that none of those daydreams or future plans will ever come true. You and he will never vacation in the Hamptons wearing matching sweater sets. You two will never get that three day Bollywood wedding, whether he was Hindu or not. He isn’t going to pull a Tom Cruise/Jerry McGuire “You Complete Me”. Its over.
But listen to this: you are not only enough but you are perfect. Flawless. There is absolutely no one just like you. You have gifts beyond measure to share with the world. Obviously he was too ignorant to see that. You have been divinely crafted in magical unicorn powder and only someone pure of heart is worth giving it up, so chill.
When the salt gets flowing I suggest turning on every noise maker in the house: television, computer, radio, ice cream machine, blow dryer…crying in silence is just too sad. Also, lay upside down. Unless your hair is flat ironed and you are avoiding frizz, the tears will run into your hair and act as natural hairspray, so that’s a bonus for the next day when you want Va-Va-Volume.
What also helps me is I pretend I am Kim Kardashian when I cry. As plastically beautiful as she is, I have to admit she has one of the ugliest cries ever documented on TV. So I squeeze my face up, cry really hard and whine at a sound level that only animals and aliens are capable of hearing. The more ridiculous the better because you will eventually end up laughing at yourself.
Step 6: The Call
At some point during your pity party you may have the urge to call and speak to your ex. You know, to say hi or to smooth things over. If you, against my wishes decide to do that, make sure that your statements are no less than two words and no more than five. Too little words indicates that you are getting choked up and about to cry. Too many words indicates deception and nervousness. You absolutely have to play it cool. And this is on the off chance that he even answers the phone! The conversation should go as follows:
Him: hey, what’s up
You: just got home, you?
Him: going out with Jerry tonight
You: deuce bigalow and the male gigalo
Him: haha very funny
You: lol not really
If you are going to get crazy obsessed and call off the hook the right way to do it is to call blocked. Even though he’ll know its you calling. In the long run, you do not want him having any tangible evidence of cray against you. If you call and he answers, it is okay to hang up the first time only. If the calls are hitting Vmail leave messages playing random songs like Lana’s “Fucked My Way Up to the Top” or Drake and Jhene Aiko’s “From Time”, my personal favorite. Actually, make that your ringtone. If you leave ANY messages saying anything, only say things made unintelligible because of crying.
Step 7: Call in Reinforcements
If you need to you may call: your best friend, your gay best friend, a mutual friend of yours and your ex’s, your mother/sibling, a basic or new friend, a guy friend that you either want to have sex with or that does not want to have sex with you, Jake from State Farm, a 24 hour grocery store or your ex’s job to make a formal complaint about him.
If anyone decides to come over and console you make sure they are told to look equally as shitty as you. Nothing is harder than having your best friend with her perfect hair and long term relationship and steady job come over and tell you how better off you are when she’s wearing Herve Leger, coming from the club with a winged out smoky eye and sexting her boyfriend when you’re not paying attention. If that is the case, tell her to stay her ass at home.
Step 8: Congratulations Are in Order
At this point the grieving process is pretty much done. You can binge eat now and then Photoshop pictures of his face onto Fat Bastard and throw darts at it. It should be well into the night so fluff up all those snotty tissues, stuff them under your pillow and curl up. You have to make a miraculous transformation in the morning and you will need some sleep for that to happen.
Step 9: Post 24 Hour Cure Care
Finally, it is morning. You survived your first single night, no other will be the same. Over the coming weeks and months you will periodically miss the camaraderie and companionship of your last relationship, among other things, but do not fret. Since you have cured yourself with donuts and the ugly cry you will be able to appropriately move on.
To move forward you have to embrace your confidence. Find it wherever possible and exude it at all times.
If you find yourself reminiscing get out the Fat Bastard Ex picture.
If you share mutual friends/work together/run into him occasionally or live in the same building: Do not over-share about the breakup with your mutual friends. Intimidate him with your eye contact at work whenever possible. Stare. Him. Down. (But don’t use crazy eyes). If you run into him on the street say hello or wave, smile and look your most fabulous and if small talk ensues don’t bring up dating/the past. If you live in the same building it is okay to rub your dog’s poop on his door knob.
Tips for dating:
When you are around a guy that you are interested in think about sex. Its gross and sounds crazy, but it makes your pheromones flow and will attract him to you.
When in doubt, a wrap dress can be worn anytime of the year and looks good on everyone.
Find something new or old to become more passionate about. Passion ignites your zest for life and makes you more engaging and interesting and will distract you enough to leave your ex alone for the most part. Guys and others will find that passion attractive about you.
The first guy you date should not be the next guy you want to start a relationship with. He should be a younger guy, a guy in a stage of his life that is not acceptable for you as a boyfriend but perfectly okay to take mini golfing. He could be a guy that you date when you’re single but no one that is in your everyday life.
Date someone out of your comfort zone or not necessarily “your type”. It seems that your type may not be working anyway, and if you try and jump into something that you’d like to progress long term, residual breakup goo may get all over that and ruin it.